Observing Without Judgement Level 6

Now we need to learn to Observe other people when we are communicating with them. Are they really listening to us, or do they have their own thought process that is going on in their head while they nod and smile? An example is when you are trying to communicate with some people who are trying to serve you bread at a meal and you do not want to raise your blood sugar as you are struggling with diabetes. You ask them to just bring the tuna only, and not the bread that you would have in a tuna sandwich. They then proceed to tell you that they have gluten-free bread...so it's ok. Again you explain to them, it is not the gluten that you are having a problem with, it is the starch in the bread. They proceed to explain to you that they have sourdough bread that is totally delicious. You explain to them again that it may be delicious and wonderful, and they may have kneaded it with their own hands, but you still need to avoid it because it raises your blood sugar level. So they bring in food for everyone and they put a tuna fish sandwich on your plate with 90% bread and 10%. You then explain to them that you are ravenous hungry and you need more than just a teaspoon of tuna fish. You do not mind scraping the teaspoon of tuna fish off of your bread, it is just that because of your diabetes you are suffering from intense hunger and that the teaspoon of tuna will not satisfy your extreme hunger. They explain to you that this is all of the tuna fish that was prepared and that they have to leave the table trying to give you a guilt trip. If they had just listened to you before they had prepared the meal and questioned why you couldn’t eat the bread and not impose their worldview on you that bread is evil because of gluten instead that the bread contains lots of starch that your body turns to sugar. Everyone tries to impose their own worldview and their own labels on what other people are saying, rather than merely observing what other people are saying. 

This is because they are trying to make a Judgement without going through the Observation phase. If they had taken time to Observe what you were saying without judgment and let you finish your thought completely, they would have been able to better understand what you were saying by asking questions and clarifying what you needed because of your health issues. This requires Observations, a separate time for Understanding, and a final time for Judgement of what you have understood about the situation. 

We all tend to do this because we tend to be self-centered, and we like to impose our labels and worldview on what other people are saying. When we feel that there are not enough resources to go around in the world, and another person tries to explain that we have an unlimited amount of air, food, and water at our disposal we will be saying inside our head “yada yada yada...this guy must be a real idiot, he doesn’t know what he is talking about.” So we smile nod our head and act like we are listening, but then we superimpose our own ideas on top of everything that the other person said. 

When our significant other is talking to us and letting us know what they want and what is important to them, we tend to internally say “yada yada yada...what they really want is some flowers, the new stove, or a new lawnmower, then they will be happy.” Even though what they are saying is “Could you please listen to me better, and interact with the conversation so that I can understand that you are empathizing with me and you understand what you are saying? ....I just want my feelings to be important to you.” Instead, we jump to a conclusion, and we buy them a card on the way home or order the new stove, or the lawnmower so that they can work more efficiently to serve our own needs. 

In order to Observe Without Judgement what people are saying or expressing to us, we need to Listen intently without jumping in or making statements to clarify what they are saying. When the other person has fully expressed themselves they will stop talking or they will ask you a question. Then you can move onto the Understanding phase by asking them questions like “Is this what you really meant… What I heard you saying… Am I understanding this correctly?” And then you stop and listen to their response. Once you have come to a complete understanding of their emotions and feelings of what they are happy or upset over, then you can move into a Judgment phase when you can make a wise decision where everyone involved can benefit. 

You can practice this by taking five minutes and listening to phones ringing without having the compulsion to answer the phone. You can listen to babies crying without feeling the compulsion to get up and cuddle them. You can find recordings of these so that you do not need to worry if someone is calling you or if a baby really is in dire straits. 

During the next few weeks observe carefully how well people are listening to you when you are talking to them. Observe yourself on how well you listen to other people. Separate this Observation by a time period and make an Observation on why others are not listening to you or why you are not listening to others very well. Is it because they have a preconceived idea or prejudiced idea of the world? Do they feel that everybody wants the same things that they want? Or is it because they are so overwhelmed by life that they have a hard time listening to anything other than the thoughts running through their mind? Are these the same reasons that you do not listen to other people very well? 

What are some Judgements that you can make to improve your ability to Observe what other people are expressing? What can you do to better understand their situation? Does this require empathy and compassion? Does it require our elimination of guilt, shame, and blame that we tend to place on others? Do we tend to place a Judgement on others when we feel that they have done something against our own moral code? For example, taking cookies out of the cookie jar or not wearing age-appropriate or gender-appropriate clothing (the word appropriate implies that we have made a Judgment on what is appropriate or not). 

What do we need to do to help others to listen to us better? Sometimes you can stop and repeat what you said. You can rephrase it in a way that would coincide with their worldview. You could repeat the statement so that there is no doubt about your feelings or needs as in not eating the bread you could say “My life depends on being able to control my blood sugar. I feel that your homemade bread would taste wonderful but because of health reasons, I have to avoid it.” You may also have to stop and touch them on the arm, and look them in the eyes to make sure that you have their full attention. You can also validate their opposing view by repeating it, and then asking them if they can accommodate you with your special needs that need to be taken care of. 

Let’s see if we can Observe carefully other people talking to each other and what they listen to and what they don’t listen to when they are talking to each other. If we can better understand these reasons, it will help us to understand ourselves, and why we may have problems listening carefully to other people. It will also help us to understand how to communicate to others so that it is easier for them to communicate with us. You are great and wonderful.

Kaivala Level 6 Unit 1

Written by Larry Wizzurd and Guru Stu

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