We all want to be more compassionate and understanding with the people that we are closest to. We would also like to surround ourselves with people that are kind and compassionate with us. Empathy and Sympathy are emotions that we use when we are dealing with others who are having problems with their lives. 

Imagine that you had a friend whose name was Harry that fell into a hole in your backyard, and Harry lacked the ability to climb out of the hole. You may look out your window and mention to other people in the house “Isn’t it a terrible shame that Harry fell into the hole.” As you try to go to sleep that night you may even stay awake for another hour wondering what is going to happen to Harry. The next day feeling extra compassionate and understanding, you walk over to see how Harry’s doing. You look into the sinkhole and say to Harry “This is a terrible situation that you are in! I don’t think you or your family will ever be able to recover from this accident. I really feel sorry for you.” You may walk over and throw a bottle of water down the hole for him and a ham sandwich. This is an example of sympathy. These are feelings that we have for a person suffering from a tragedy that we have no personal connection to or the ability to alleviate their suffering.

Empathy is the ability to enter into the soul of another and experience their feelings and emotions. If you are an empathetic person as soon as you saw him fall into the hole, you would run over and climb down into the hole with Harry. You would let him know that you understand that he is in a terrible situation, and that you understand the emotions that he is feeling. You may express to him that although you may not have dealt with holes exactly like he has, you have been through experiences of tragedy, loss, and fear similar to his and you understand his pain.

As an empathetic person, the next step after you have made the connection with Harry, is to figure out ways to get him out of the situation if possible. You may not be able to get him out of the hole. However, at least you would offer your help in any way in which you have strength or power to help Harry out. If it is only in your ability to get Harry a glass of water and he needs a glass of water, that is what you do.  He may need more than a glass of water, but you only have so much strength, energy and power in life. But you still feel his frustration and pain that he is going through. You would offer him help and comfort that you would like to see from others in a similar situation. 

Empathy and Sympathy always need to be in balance. You cannot show empathy to every person in the world. With the majority of people, all you can do is give them sympathy, and understand that the situation that they are going through is not good. You cannot climb into a hole with every single person in the world and take care of them. Empathy is normally shown to your close circle of friends and maybe a few people in your community. As with most things in life we are trying to find balance between Empathy and Sympathy. 

Some examples of finding balance between Empathy and Sympathy in life are: If you are walking down the street, you see a homeless person and you give them five dollars because you feel sorry for them, this is Sympathy.  When your close friend is homeless you can say “This is a bad situation that you are in, let's see what we can do to get you out of this.” And you would let them know that you have been in a similar situation and you think that you can help. You do not use shame or blame on this person. If you are really empathetic, you could start a program for housing for homeless people. This is Empathy. Would you like to have friends that are more Sympathetic or Empathetic than you?

Get out your stickies. Write on each of these stickies close friends that you have in your life. When you have ten of your closest friends written down on stickies, rate each person on a scale from one to ten a ten being the most Empathetic to who is the most Sympathetic.

There are several questions that you should be asking yourself about your friends. Let's say that you had to move. Which friends would say “Wow that’s a big job, I sure hate moving myself.” or “I would help you, but I am going to the beach next weekend.” Then you should ask yourself which ones would gladly show up to help you move. 

If you were in a bad economic situation and could not pay your bills that week, which friends would say “Yea, life’s tough right now, it's hard to get a good paying job, it's terrible that you are going to have your car repossessed and lose your home.” Which friends will sit down with you, express their understanding of your situation, help you figure out a budget, and perhaps give you some cash to help you get back on your feet. This is the difference between Sympathy and Empathy. 

If we are Sympathetic towards a group of people that are having problems, you can write your senator, and explain their plight to her. If you are Empathetic toward a group of people, you can organize a project to build homes, feed them, clothe them, or help them start a movement to stop the disease that is causing problems for them. Empathy is when we see an ad on TV about starving children, and we organize food kitchens for them, education campaigns and we interact with them personally. Sympathy is when we send $20 to Feed the Children.

These are words that are used when using sympathy:

1. It sucks to be you.
2. This is terrible, I don't know what you could ever do to get out of that situation.
3. I would never want to be you.
4. What did you do wrong to get in this situation?
5. Curse God and die.
6. You deserve to burn in hell. 
7. You should feel bad for all of the terrible things that you have done.
8. Are you really sorry for what you have done?
9. You should be ashamed of yourself.
10. I can't believe that you did that.
11. You should be more humble.
12. At least…. (silver lining it.)
    1. Silver  lining is like when a person breaks a finger and you say “At least you didn’t break your leg. Or when your girlfriend breaks up with you they say, “At least you are not going through a divorce.” Or when you have kidney failure “At least you don’t have terminal cancer.” 
    2. Silver lining is taking a bad situation and comparing it to an imaginary situation that is even worse. These people feel that things will be better if you look at a more extreme worst case scenario. 
13. When I was your age I was ten years older.
14. If you do like I did and work hard.

Words or expressions to be used when you are using empathy. 

1. I know exactly how you feel.
2. I don't know what I would do if I were in your situation.
3. Is there anything that I can do to help.
4. I think that you are a very strong person for making it this far.
5. You are great and wonderful for making it this far.
6. It is amazing that you are holding up under all this pressure that you are going through. 
7. Are you ready for me to help you climb out of the hole yet?
8. Would you like a sandwich or a bowl of soup?
9. I don't even know what to say right now. I am just so glad that you told me what is happening to you.

The pivotal point here is our perspective of what is going on around us. This comes under the classification of observation. We have to ask ourselves “Are we judging others for their stupidity, because of their fate, or are we being compassionate?” What is our emotional awareness or emotional quotient (EQ) about the situation? In order to be empathetic we need to make ourselves vulnerable. Sending $20 to starving children on the other side of the world is not being vulnerable. Helping out at the local soup kitchen requires vulnerability.  Sitting down with your children while they are struggling with their homework, and listening to their frustrations requires us to be vulnerable. Allowing other people to take charge in life and to be responsible requires us to be vulnerable. If you want to be Empathetic, you must become vulnerable. 

Examine the list of your friends that you made up. Which ones are more Sympathetic, and which ones are more Empathetic? Which ones would you rather be around? If you want to have people really appreciate you, would you rather be Empathetic or Sympathetic? Try to look for situations in the next few weeks where you can become Empathetic. Be aware of the situations in the next few weeks where you are only Sympathetic. Once you have observed yourself interacting with others in the next few weeks, journal your observations and try to understand what the outcome or result of each interaction was. Then write down the wisdom that you have found in the difference between Empathy and Sympathy. You are great and thanks for joining us on The Road to Kaivala Yoga.