Listening to Others Level 4

You may have lived with someone for many years or worked at a company for many years and feel that you are quite familiar with the people around you.  How well do you really know these people? How well do you know their innermost dreams desires and motivations in life? Are you aware of the fears and difficulties that they are facing? If we don’t listen to others and just create a fantasy environment that doesn’t really exist, this will minimize our effectiveness in the world. 

An example of this would be a couple that is married for 55 years.  They are constantly bickering and fighting. When being interviewed, the man says that marrying her was the best thing that I ever did.  The wife is in total shock.  As far as she is concerned, he is always upset with her.  The husband says that the only thing that upsets him about their relationship is her nitpicking. The wife says “I nitpick everyone.” This couple has been married for 55 years and has never really listened to each other.  The only thing that they paid attention to were the arguments and disagreements. They knew a lot of facts about the other person, but they never really listened. 

Unless you really know a person well and you are aware of the difficulties that they are going through, it is impossible to understand their actions. You may have a workmate who comes in late and seems to be tired all day long.  You may feel that they are lazy, or you may find out that they are working two jobs to have the bills paid, and they also may have to take care of a sick family member at night.  You may be waiting in line at the supermarket and become impatient with the long lines, people with 20 items in the ten-item lane, and clerks who can’t remember ID number for fruit.  You may think that the world is against you and that everyone is trying to disrespect you, or you can understand that each person in line and the checkout clerk are having their own difficulties in life.  

If you really understood the pressures that everyone else is going through in their life, this would drastically change your viewpoint and frustrations. So, how do we get to know people well? In a checkout line you may have a short ten-minute wait and they don’t want to talk to you.  At work, they are stressed and under pressure, and they don’t want to burden everyone in the office with their problems. 

In order to listen to others, you may have to stop listening to the voices in your head.  These voices coming in from the different people on the bus are drowning out our ability to listen to others.  Mindfulness will enable us to hear the voices, but not respond to them.  Mindfulness will help us separate the information coming in from our own buses and from other people’s buses.  Mindfulness helps us sort the information, categorize it, and then deal with only the most important or relevant parts. 

When you are in line at a checkout, and the line seems long use mindfulness.  Observe each person in line, their body language, what they are saying, how they fidget, and if they are laughing or crying. By observing other people and imagining the emotions and feelings that go with their body language, you will start to have empathy for what they are going through.  You will learn compassion.  When you do this, you will have to disconnect from your own anxiety and unpleasantness. Normally, what is the big rush? Does it really matter if you take five minutes or ten minutes to get through a checkout line?  I have seen people go back and forth and shop for an hour, and then become impatient over a five-minute wait in a checkout line.  This is because they are only concerned about their needs.  The more selfish that we are, the harder it is to listen to others. 

With your significant other, you can watch and observe the stress and emotions that they are facing daily.  Watch how they interact with others. Ask and listen about important events that happened to them as they were growing up.  When you watch them do things around the house pay attention to their posture, body language, and the tone of their voice. Listen to their laughter. Each laugh has its own emotions and feelings that it generates. If they have a problem verbalizing their emotions to you, copy their posture, body language, and laughter, then you will realize the emotions that they are feeling.  

Another way to listen to others is to take ten minutes and sit and face the other person with no conversation or agenda in mind. Look in their eyes, and understand that they are human beings just like you, with love passions, and fears that they have to deal with. No man is an island, and we all are highly dependent on each other.  Because of this interdependence we fight and nitpick to establish our position and dominance in society. 

Many times when we are having difficulties with others all we really need to do is to let them know that they have our support and that we are listening to them.  The best thing to get something is to give it away.  If we want others to listen to us, we should be listening to them.  

Listening to others doesn’t mean that we cave and give in to the wishes of all of those around us.  Once we listen to them, we can decide how we are going to respond to this.  This information that we take in helps us to set boundaries so that others do not abuse us or misinterpret our emotions and directions that we have. Listening to others also requires that we give them feedback.  If we feel that they are not listening to us then we may need to put on the brakes slow down the current agenda and clearly discuss the options. 

This would be like a parent driving down the road with a bunch of kids screaming in the back.  You can scream at the kids, reach back, and hit them, but all of this will only end in disaster.  The best thing to do is to slow down, find a safe place to pull over and park, and then calmly discuss the issues before continuing on the road. If the children or your significant other do not listen to you and take in consideration your emotions, then you may need to turn around and go back.  

We are starting to understand how mindfulness, empathy, and scheduling can help us listen to others. Mindfulness helps us focus on scattered thoughts and empathy, and it helps us to understand other’s emotions and scheduling makes sure that we allow time to listen to others. 

It is really easy to let ourselves get overwhelmed by numerous daily tasks, and become unaware of what is happening around us in the world. This is like someone talking on their cellphone that they walk out into traffic and get hit by a car.  Being engrossed in you cell phone can be a dangerous situation. A mugger or attacker could come up behind you and you would be unaware of the danger. 

Let’s make sure that we take the time to smell the roses and hug our kids.